Typical Male
by flashpenguin
Summary: JJ wants Hotch, but the man doesn't have a clue. Now she's decided to play the ace up her sleeve to get his attention...once and for all! Will it work? COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1

_I had been wanting to use this title for well over a year now, but nothing seemed to jive. Then the other night at work, I was talking to a co-worker and she made the comment "a man needs to show up with flowers and chocolate; a woman just needs to show up naked with a six pack." Immediately, my brain started spinning a JJ/Hotch. I hope you like it._

_Dedicated to Clem and Moon for making work that much more exciting. And to that one person who makes me feel like JJ does right now. I ain't mentioning any names._

_Song prompt: "Typical Male" by Tina Turner_

_I don't own Criminal Minds…oh but wouldn't it be something to see Rossi giving relationship/sex advice to one of the women?_

**Typical Male**

David Rossi always prided himself in being able to read people. Hell, he more than prided himself - that was his living. He was the best there was but something was amiss with his female co-worker that he couldn't put his finger on.

Three marriages should have clued him in that actions spoke louder than words. And JJ was definitely shouting by her actions. Unfortunately, her intended target was deaf. Either by choice or design, it was clear that Aaron Hotchner was the most clueless man on planet earth.

And perhaps the coldest.

After what JJ had worn to the office that morning, only a man with a soul made of arctic ice could have withstood the heat she was giving off. Hell, even Reid had a flush in his cheeks. But Hotch remained nonchalant. Not even Morgan's remark about "maybe the FBI should get maintenance out to check the A/C" got a reaction.

But the women knew. Em's smirk behind her hand and Pen's giggles and sly glances toward the pair let him know that Hotch needed more than a push in the right direction…he needed a good old fashioned kick in the ass. Especially if he missed the signal JJ had sent after popping the lollipop in her mouth. Dear Mother of God!

Except this time, he wanted to stay out of it. He didn't have a horse in the race and he had a book deadline to complete. The sex life - or rather the lack of a sex life - between his friends had no bearing on his life. Then he had to pass by JJ's office.

He should have ignored her. He should have kept walking. He should have learned a long time ago to keep his nose out of other people's business… Next time he was going to take his own advice, but tonight he needed to do something ASAP.

A light rap on the door, then he turned the knob. He wasn't waiting for an invite.

"JJ?" he asked out loud to the blonde who was resting her head on the desk.

"Go away," JJ's voice mumbled roughly.

"Do you want to talk?"

"No."

"I think you might need a sounding board."

"I need a board alright," JJ agreed. "Right along side my head. Maybe I can knock some sense into my thick skull."

Dave sat down on the chair across from her. "I wouldn't go to that extreme, Jen."

JJ lifted her head. "Hell, Dave. I practically embarrassed myself in front of the team today."

Dave scanned the beautiful, svelte blonde in the just shy of violating regs halter top and thigh length skirt. His old body slowly stirred to life. Swallowing hard…okay, maybe that was the wrong word to use at the moment. Clearing his throat, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was official: Aaron Hotchner was the stupidest man on planet earth.

"Well, Jen, from what I can remember, with the way you were dressed today, I think it was Derek who practically embarrassed himself."

JJ blushed fiercely. "Right reaction, wrong guy."

"Want to tell me the deep - er, the dark secret that you've been trying unsuccessfully to conceal?"

Pushing a lock of hair behind her ear, JJ looked Dave in the eyes. "There is nothing to tell."

"Bullshit." He watched his female co-worker blush again. "I'm a profiler and I can tell when someone is pissing on my boots and trying to tell me it's a rain storm. So, tell me what's going on, or I'm going to profile you."

JJ's shoulders slumped in defeat. "I got it bad for Hotch, but I give up. I've done everything I can think of to make the man notice me."

"Not everything," Dave quipped with barely concealed humour. "But today, you came pretty close."

JJ stood up and paced the room. "Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades. I have worn my hair in more styles than what's in a magazine. I've worn clothes that I haven't worn since before Henry was born. Hell, I've bought cologne that promised to bring a man to his knees…"

"It did," Dave muttered under his breath. "The wrong man."

JJ stopped pacing. "What?"

Dave cleared his throat and reached for a folder on JJ's desk. "Nothing." He laid it in his lap and pretended to read.

"Are you listening?" JJ asked.

"What? Uh, yes. You were talking about cologne," he supplied quickly. He sent a quick prayer upward for the lessons learned from three ex-wives

JJ threw up her hands in frustration. "You got the signal. What's wrong with him? What am I missing?"

"He's a lawyer."

"What?" JJ stopped pacing.

"He needs things spelled out so he can make a logical decision."

JJ rolled her eyes. "Spell it out?"

"Well…he is a _former_ prosecutor."

"I've done everything but sit on his face! What am I supposed to spell out? That he makes me hot and horny? That I'm acting like a teenage girl trying to get the attention of the football captain?"

_Concentrate on the file, Dave_, he lectured himself. "What did you have to do to get Will's attention?"

"The better question is what I didn't have to do. I felt used. And I guess that's why we're not together anymore."

"And now you've set your sights on Hotch. The chocolate bar on his desk?" Dave wondered aloud.

"Guilty."

"And the always ready cup of coffee…?" he mused.

JJ sighed heavily. "Yes."

"That beautifully crocheted blanket?"

"Afghan," she corrected hotly.

"Excuse me. Afghan."

"That's what I'm talking about! I've done everything."

Dave shifted his weight. "The lollipop was…definitely…the coup de grace." His jeans were suddenly two sizes too small as the memory flashed.

"Not for him!"

Dave snorted lightly. "Haley hurt him, you know that."

"I know," JJ replied softly. Her temper started to fizzle…some.

"And that has made him a little gun shy."

"Trust me, I've tried to be subtle." She shook her head in defeat. "I don't know what else to do."

Dave templed his long fingers and rested his chin against them. Tapping his chin in thought, he glanced up at the blonde who had nearly killed him…and was still wreaking havoc on his body. He knew that if what he told her didn't work, he was ready to chuck fifteen years of friendship with Hotch and jump JJ in a New York minute.

"This is just penny advice, so you can take it or leave it…but a wise man once told me that in order to win over a woman, a man has to show up with flowers and chocolates." He let that sink in for a moment before continuing.

"And to win over a man, a woman just has to show up naked with a six pack," he finished.

JJ's mouth dropped open as she tried to find a response. Then the words hit home.

Grabbing her coat and purse, she ran for the door. "Thank you!" Turning around, she threw a look at the older agent still sitting in the chair. "Are you going home?"

Dave pointed to the file. "I'm just…going to…uh, sit here for a while and finish reading the Morrison file."

"Okay. Oh, by the way, what _does_ Hotch drink when it comes to beer?"

"Anything. It doesn't matter," he answered. JJ nodded and closed the door. "Because he's never going to drink it," he concluded to the empty room.

Closing his eyes, he breathed in deep. JJ's perfume tickled his nose. It was going to be a long night before he went home. Thank God for the stack of files.

**~*~ Profiler's Choice 2011 Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds Community ~*~**

**Hosted by ilovetvalot and tonnie2001969**

_It is our pleasure to announce the Second Annual Profiler's Choice Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds community! _

_The nomination ballot is now available, and all rules are posted on Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum! Nomination ballots must be received by October 15, 2011 and must be sent to this PM at Profiler's Choice CM Awards. Fics for consideration must have appeared on the CM section of between September 1, 2010 and August 31, 2011 (see rules for full details.)_


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay, I know this is a rather fast posting, but I have to head to work and I didn't want to be distracted by this chapter floating around in my head. Enjoy!_

**~*~ Profiler's Choice 2011 Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds Community ~*~**

**Hosted by ilovetvalot and tonnie2001969**

_It is our pleasure to announce the Second Annual Profiler's Choice Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds community! _

_The nomination ballot is now available, and all rules are posted on Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum! Nomination ballots must be received by October 15, 2011 and must be sent to this PM at Profiler's Choice CM Awards. Fics for consideration must have appeared on the CM section of between September 1, 2010 and August 31, 2011 (see rules for full details.)_

**Typical Male**

Taking a deep breath, JJ stood outside Hotch's apartment door and raised her fist. At the last second, she paused.

What the hell was she doing?

It was official, she concluded, she had completely lost her mind…or what little she had left. But she was definitely crazy. How else could she explain standing outside her boss's place, dressed in nothing but a raincoat and a pair of fuck me pumps, holding a case of Budweiser?

First thing in the morning, she was submitting a request for a full psychological evaluation. But first things first. She had to find out if Hotch really was half as dense as he appeared, or if he was completely dead inside.

If it was the first, maybe the first half of her seduction would succeed. If it was the latter, she was probably going to need more beer. Was there time to run back down to the store?

A door closed in the distance. A moment later an older man came walking down the hallway with his Chinese Pug. Scanning JJ from head to toe, he grinned broadly. JJ fought the urge to hide.

"Evening," he greeted.

"Good evening," JJ replied.

"Weatherman said it might rain tonight," he observed.

"Umm, yeah."

"Good luck." The man nodded knowingly. "That poor bastard doesn't stand a chance," he muttered under his breath as he walked away.

Now JJ was nervous. What was that saying: the best laid plans of mice and men…? This was so not going to end well. But if she wanted the prize, she was going to have to make the first move.

Swallowing hard, she took a deep breath, untied the belt around her waist, and raised her fist.  
>*****<p>

Hotch reached for the remote and turned off the TV. There was nothing on he wanted to watch and with Jack spending the night at a friend's, nothing seemed to hold his interest. At least the little boy could make even the corniest cartoon seem enjoyable. He listened to the silence. Was it too late to call and ask Jack to come home?

He groaned. What was he thinking?

Oh God, his life sucked. No…it was hell. His dry spell was going on five years. He needed to get laid. Something fast and hard with a woman who could take charge. No questions. No strings. But how and with who? Unless a miracle fell out of the sky before he turned in, he was going to have to take the situation in hand…again.

His hand flexed at the thought, but his body went dead. He needed a hot, nasty, boot-knocking, deep, wet, mind blowing fuck. Something to bring him back to life.

Getting up, he walked over to the kitchen and pulled down a glass and a bottle of scotch. Pouring himself a healthy splash, he downed it quickly. Maybe if he got drunk enough, his imaginary lover would come out tonight. He glanced over the files littering the coffee table. Then again, maybe not.

Shaking his head, he set the bottle down. "Stop thinking about sex," he reprimanded himself. "You need to finish those files before Jack gets back."

Pouring another shot, he carried it back to the couch and sat down. With disinterest, he shuffled the manila folders. Nothing caught his interest.

Nothing…

A knock broke him out of his reverie. Setting the glass down, he got up and walked to the door. Undoing the chain, he turned the tumbler and disarmed the alarm system before opening the door. Then he blinked. Hard.

Staring at the naked blonde in the raincoat standing in the hallway, Hotch tried to speak but failed.

"Hello, Hotch," JJ greeted in chipper tone. "Thought you might like some company."

Hotch was stupefied. He blinked again. This had to be a dream. There was no way JJ was standing in front of him in nothing but yellow latex.

JJ watched his expression. Bingo! Dave was right. Now all she had to do was get inside. _Then what, Jen? Are you going to knock him to the floor and jump his bones? _

Pasting a smile on her face, she raised the case of beer so Hotch could see it. "I brought beer," she announced cheerfully.

_Beer?_ Hotch tried to think of a response but his mind was blank. Although, his body was slowly but surely coming back to life.

JJ gave herself a mental shake. Okay, it was official: Aaron Hotchner was the most dense man on earth. Well, if he wasn't going to invite her in, she was going to have to take charge and improvise.

"Well, hello, JJ," she spoke out loud to herself on behalf of the speechless man. "What brings you here?"

"I was in the neighbourhood, and I by some weird chance of fate, I found this beer in my car." She raised the case higher.

"Oh? You don't say," she continued.

"No, I don't. And since I was passing by your place, I thought I'd stop by and ask if you wanted to help me dispose of it."

"How considerate of you. Would you like to come in?" she replied to herself.

"It is a little chilly out here in the hallway. I thought you'd never ask. Thank you." JJ stepped in the room and closed the door behind her.

Looking at Hotch, she winked. "Could you hold this for me?" she asked. Before he could reply, she removed her raincoat and handed it to him. "Oh, I feel better. You got the heat on, and I was burning up. Is it alright if I put the beer in the fridge?" She carried the case to the kitchen. "Do you want one?"

Hotch stood frozen where he had stood since seeing JJ in the hall. _Think Aaron, think. There has to be a logical explanation for what is happening. What the hell! Logical explanation? What was logical about Jennifer Jareau standing in his apartment naked? What?_

"Here," JJ said, interrupting Hotch's thoughts. "I wasn't sure what you like, so I went with what I like." Popping the top, she took a long sip. "Mmmm, that's good. Are you going to say anything?"

"You're naked," Hotch choked out. His temperature had just risen five degrees and he was sure his heart was going to beat out of his chest. If his jeans didn't cut him in half first.

"Not entirely," she raised her foot and showed off the four inch jet black heels. "But play your cards right, and I might make your wish come true."


	3. Chapter 3

_JJ is in, but that is as far as she had planned. And it isn't helping that Hotch isn't cooperating. Now it's time to call in reinforcements._

* * *

><p>Typical Male<p>

JJ took a long sip of the beer. Her eyes never left Hotch's face as she waited for some kind of reaction from him. God, she hoped he did something before she got drunk. There was no way she could drive home, and there was no way in hell she was calling anyone from the team to pick her up.

She was so screwed. And not in the way she had hoped.

Finishing the beer, she crushed the can and took it into the kitchen.

Wordlessly, Hotch watched her every move. There was so much he wanted to say, but all he could think was that JJ was in his home, in his living room, naked…save for a pair of really high heels that he wasn't sure how she managed to maintain her balance.

_Think Aaron. Think. What would Dave do?_ Hotch immediately shook his head. _Okay, wrong person to compare myself to. Damn! _

"So, what were your plans tonight?" JJ asked casually as she walked back into the living room. Hotch's eyes were fixated - or rather glued - to her breasts, so she held her carriage taller and more proudly. For a second, her heels slipped but she quickly recovered. _God, please don't let him have noticed. That was not cool, Jen! You want to seduce the man, but you're going to break your neck before you can even get him undressed,_ she chastised herself.

"I was going to finish up some files."

"Sounds boring."

"It is what it is."

"Wanna have some fun instead?" she asked.

"Like what?"

JJ cocked her head in thought. "I don't know. Maybe watch some TV…play a game…or maybe we could turn the lights off and make out…" she suggested.

Hotch felt his face flush hot. "Jayje…"

"Jen," she corrected. She raised her hands over her head and stretched.

"Jen. I…I don't think this is a good idea."

"Which part?" she wondered doubtfully. Before he could speak, she grabbed her coat from his arms. "Hold that thought; I'll be right back."

As quickly as she dared, she rushed to the bathroom and closed the door. "Oh, dear God," she whispered to her reflection. "The man is completely clueless. What do I do? I could leave. No! I can't do that. I had a beer. Think Jen…"

Reaching into her coat pocket, she pulled out her cell phone and dialed the one person who had put her in this position. The one person who was going to help her out of it…one way or another.

"Rossi," the baritone voice greeted.

"Tell me what to do," JJ demanded in a low tone, afraid that her voice would carry.

"Jen?"

"Tell me what to do!" she repeated.

"Do what?" Dave was confused.

"Next. I'm here and nothing is working out. I don't know what else to do; I'm naked and there isn't much else to remove."

"Wait! Back up! Start from the beginning. Did you say you are _naked_?"

"Yes."

"Where are you?"

"Hotch's apartment."

"Have you two…I mean…you're not calling me from the bedroom are you?" he asked carefully.

"No. I'm in the bathroom."

"What?! Why?"

"Because I didn't want to call you in front of Hotch so I could ask what to do next."

"I'm confused."

"Well, that makes two of us," JJ quipped.

"Why are you at Hotch's naked and in his bathroom?"

"Because you told me to," she wailed plaintively.

A pause.

"I WHAT?!"

"You told me to," she repeated. "You said, and I quote: 'a man needs to show up with flowers and chocolate; a woman just needs to show up naked with a six pack'."

"And you took me seriously?" Dave shot out.

"You seemed serious," JJ shot back.

"I was kidding. I didn't think you would actually do it."

JJ snorted loudly. "Thanks for telling me that _now!_" She sat down on the edge of the tub and cradled her forehead in her free hand. "What did I do? What was I thinking?"

"I don't know what to say…" Dave hesitated.

"You're the writer and legendary FBI Lothario, I'm sure you can come up with something to help me out."

"Jen…I don't know what to say."

"How about a logical way of getting out of here with my dignity and pride still intact? Oh, wait! I showed up naked outside Hotch's apartment door. I'm sure my dignity and pride are pretty much zilch right now."

"He didn't throw you out," Dave observed.

"Because he's been frozen in the same place for five minutes!" JJ hissed. "I think I killed him!"

"I doubt that. Though I would have paid to see the look on his face," Dave mused.

"This isn't funny!"

"Actually, it is."

"I'm in Aaron Hotchner's house, naked, wearing nothing but a pair of four inch heels, tipsy, sitting on the edge of his tub in the bathroom. How is that funny?" JJ growled.

"You would have to see it from my point of view, Cara."

"There is only one thing I want from you, and that's your answer on how I am going to get out of here! And don't call me Cara!"

A slight knock on the bathroom door made her jump.

"JJ?" Hotch called out. "Are you alright?"

"I - I'm fine," JJ called out. "Just taking care of some personal business," she added quickly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I…I will be out in a couple of minutes."

"Everything okay?" Dave asked.

"Hotch knocked on the door."

"At least you know he is still alive."

"Very funny."

"I think it's hilarious. I'm never going to let you live this down."

"You wouldn't dare!" she growled in a low whisper.

"Would you pass this up?"

"I have a gun and I know how to use it!" she threatened.

"I've been paired with Reid, you don't scare me. By the way, where is Henry?"

"With his Auntie Pen," JJ answered reluctantly.

"Does she know where you are?" Dave chuckled lightly.

"Don't you tell her!" JJ shook her head. "Come and get me."

"How many beers did you have?"

"One."

"Wait an hour and then go home."

"I can't walk out of here naked!" JJ screeched.

"You walked in there naked," he reminded.

"That was different." She paced the small room. "I am so screwed!"

"Not yet, but the night is still young, so anything is possible," he observed.

"And you call yourself a friend," she groused.

Dave sighed heavily. "I'd sell my soul right now to be a fly on the wall. But if you want to know what to do, well, here it is: jump his bones and screw his brains out. Don't let him say no. Do everything you've ever imagined. Break some laws and have some fun. Hell, you're both adults."

"Not funny!"

"You wanted to know. I'm telling you the truth. On the other hand, you could stay in the bathroom for the next hour and then leave."

"You are not much help," she groaned.

"Well, you asked. Sleep with him or leave. Those are your choices."

"Dave…"

"I have to let Mudgie out."

"Dave!"

"Bye Jen." He hung up.

Staring at the phone, she cursed him under her breath.

"Okay, Jen. Think about this rationally. You want Hotch. Plain and simple. You showed up to his house naked and with beer…we will debate that one later. Now you are sitting in his bathroom taking advice from the FBI Lothario who was married three times! You need help."

She looked at her reflection more intently.

"Screw him or leave. Screw him or leave," she chanted.

Squaring her shoulders, she turned the knob and stepped out into the hallway.

"Is everything alright?" Hotch asked carefully.

Flipping the lock of hair out of her eyes, JJ gave him her best come hither look. In her best Marilyn Monroe imitation, she spoke: "It's time to stop playing games. Let's make love."


	4. Chapter 4

_JJ has made herself clear. But Hotch still needs a push…or two._

**~*~ Profiler's Choice 2011 Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds Community ~*~**

**Hosted by ilovetvalot and tonnie2001969**

_It is our pleasure to announce the Second Annual Profiler's Choice Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds community! _

_The nomination ballot is now available, and all rules are posted on Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum! Nomination ballots must be received by October 15, 2011 and must be sent to this PM at Profiler's Choice CM Awards. Fics for consideration must have appeared on the CM section of between September 1, 2010 and August 31, 2011 (see rules for full details.)_

* * *

><p><strong>Typical Male<strong>

JJ reached out and grabbed Hotch's tie. She was literally on fire from want. But she had to take it slow. She wanted him to let go and give in; not run away screaming in fear. But then again, if the look in his eyes meant anything, running might be the last thing he would do. Still, she needed to pace herself.

_Seduction be thy name_, she told herself.

"Have I ever told you that I love this tie?" Fingering it delicately, she traced the design. "I love the texture. I love the colour…" She yanked on it to pull him closer to her. "I'd like it more if it was off." She flicked her gaze down the length of his body. "Along with other things."

Hotch nearly swallowed his tongue. "JJ…"

"Jen," she corrected. Her tongue darted out and licked her lips. "Don't worry; by the time I get through with you tonight, you won't forget." Placing her hands on his shoulders, she touched him. Slowly she caressed his firm muscles thru the material. Her blood ran hotter.

Bringing her face close to his, she looked into his eyes. "Say it." She traced his lips with the tip of her finger and followed with feather soft kisses. Hotch closed his eyes and tried to focus on anything but her seduction.

"Are you…" she asked before kissing his jaw line, "going to…" more kisses, "get undressed?" Her tongue flicked out to taste his skin. All male with just a dash of the musk cologne he liked to wear. "Or am I going to have to rip them off of you?"

Hotch paused. Both seemed like good ideas.

"Because I'm getting a little frustrated being the only one ready for the party," she murmured in his ear.

Before Hotch could reply, his cell phone rang. The melody filled the sexually electrified air. Pulling the phone out of his pocket, he flipped it open.

"Hotchner," he greeted thru gritted teeth.

"Hey, Aaron," Dave's voice boomed from the other end. "Is this a bad time?"

Hotch shook his head to clear it. "Dave? What do you want?"

"I was sitting around the house and I was wondering about you, so I thought I'd give you a call and see how things are going"

"Are you kidding me?" Hotch asked in astonishment.

"So, are you watching the game?" Dave asked casually.

JJ's fingers loosened the tie and then the first three buttons on Hotch's dress shirt. Her lips pressed against his skin. Hotch swallowed hard.

"Yeah," Hotch replied absently. "I mean, no."

"Oh. I heard there is a good one coming on soon."

"You don't say," Hotch gasped as JJ's hands parted the dress shirt and moved to his belt buckle. "Who's playing?" _Focus, Aaron!_

"Two great teams…well, one would be a great team if they could ever get their stuff together."

"You don't say," Hotch repeated.

"But I have hope for them."

"Good for you." Hotch tried to concentrate on Dave's voice instead of JJ's hand that had moved under the waistband of his slacks and was touching him thru this boxers. "Stop," he whispered.

"Stop what?" Dave's voice cut thru the moment.

Hotch's eyes flew open. "Not you," he corrected.

Dave tried to suppress a chuckle. "Are you alone?"

"No. Yes."

"Is that, no you're not alone? Or yes, you are?"

"Dave, shut up!" Hotch bit out. Between Dave and JJ, he was losing his mind. He needed to pause and regroup. Stat!

"So, if you're not busy, can I come over? I'll bring the pizza and beer…"

"Yes…I mean no. Not tonight. Maybe some other… Oh!" He shook his head. "Maybe some other time." JJ's hand started doing things he had only read in magazines he had snuck out of his dad's collection.

"Because I could be there in a few minutes."

"How about tomorrow night?" Hotch deflected without thinking.

"So, you _are_ busy. What's her name?" Dave's wicked grin could be felt thru the phone line.

"Wait! What do you mean?" Hotch tried to remember if he said anything out loud, but JJ was pushing his slacks down to pool around his ankles.

"So, there _isn't_ a woman with you?"

"Not really." JJ wasn't a _woman_; she was an angel; a dream come true. And she was working a miracle on his body. Except for that thing she was doing right now…then she was the devil. Her tongue and hands were taking turns stroking him. But he had to concentrate on Dave.

"I was hoping with Jack being gone for the weekend, you might be getting laid. And if you are, that's great. And I want to know everything." Dave paused for a long moment. "Unless…getting laid means you're in the middle of something really personal that involves KY and a photo….then I don't want to know. Keep the details to yourself."

"I thought we were friends," Hotch shot back.

"Not that good. So…can I come over?"

While the two men bantered, JJ stroked faster. Hotch was ignoring her. But two could play that game. Dipping her tongue, she tickled him until she heard him draw in a sharp breath.

"No. Oh, God!"

"Then…why don't you come over? We can watch the game together." Dave could only imagine what was happening on the other end of the line and did his best to keep his laughter under control.

"No," Hotch hissed as JJ's teeth grazed him and then began nibbling. _Think of Paris in the summertime,_ he chanted to himself.

"Maybe I can call Derek and Reid and we can have some male bonding. Just the four of us watching games, getting drunk….maybe get some girls…" Dave continued as though Hotch hadn't said a word. He had to admit that he was getting a bit of perverse pleasure listening to his best friend's dilemma. Of course, if the shoe was on the other foot, he would have hung up on Hotch five minutes ago.

Hotch almost had himself under control. He could almost form a coherent sentence. And then, at that moment, JJ swallowed him whole and every thought in his head stopped. The phone nearly slipped from his grasp as he weaved his free hand into JJ's hair to help maintain his balance.

"Dave…not…right…now," he enunciated each word precisely. "Oh. Ahh…" Involuntarily, his hips thrust forward.

JJ stood up and turned off the light - casting them in almost total darkness. Taking his hand, JJ pulled him down the hall toward the bedroom.

Forgetting that he was half undressed, Hotch took a step forward. Then suddenly his world spun as he went down. Hard.

Without warning, he was lying on the floor, gasping for breath as the air was knocked from his lungs. He tried to move, but his body hurt in too many places to count.

"Shit!"

"Hotch!" JJ exclaimed as she tried to find him. Tripping over her heels, she lost her balance and went down to land on the prostrate man. Another string of expletives filled the air.

"Hotch!" Dave called out as he heard the commotion. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Standing up, JJ brushed herself off and grabbed the phone. "He's alright," she spoke briskly into the receiver. "It's nothing that a little first aid and mouth to mouth can't take care of." Then with a flick of her wrist, she tossed the phone. The sound of a splash caused JJ to cringe. Quickly, she pasted a smile to her face.

"Well, that should take care of any more interruptions," she recovered quickly.

"My phone…" Hotch protested weakly.

"Can be replaced." JJ scanned her eyes up and down Hotch's body. "But first things first; you need a little TLC. Then we can finish what we started."

Kneeling beside Hotch, she opened her mouth and took him deep inside…effectively cutting off any further protests.


	5. Chapter 5

_Well, it took forever, but I finally got this story completed! YAY! One down, a few more to go. But with the way I'm working third shift and doubles, I think I'll be 80 before I get to them! Well, I hope the extra long read and love-making scene makes up for the long wait. Thanks for reading._

_I don't own Criminal Minds. And I'll leave it at that._

**_Song prompt: "Typical Male" by Tina Turner. (Personally, I think the song fits Hotch to a T!)_**

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><p><strong>Typical Male<strong>

Hotch's eyes rolled up into the back of his head as all the fight left his body. "Oh, god!" he murmured, his hands tangled into JJ's long blond locks. He wanted her to stop. He wanted her to keep going.

He was in heaven!

JJ thanked the darkness as she continued to love Hotch in one of the ways that had kept her awake many nights. Without the light, he couldn't see her nervousness or the deep pink blush of her cheeks. In the dark, she was confident and fearless. And at least while he was moaning her name – or at least what sounded like her name – she could form a plan for the next step.

Cupping him gently, she had to recover quickly when he thrust his hips upward. Pulling him out of her mouth with a wet "plop", she looked at him thru the part in the curtain of her hair.

"What do you want?" she asked seductively – or what she hoped was seductive. To her ears, she sounded more like Minnie Mouse than Lauren Bacall.

Hotch tried to think. He was lying on the carpeted floor of his flat with his custom tailored black slacks down around his ankles, in the dark, with Jennifer Jareau making love to him. Now she was asking him what he wanted? How hard had he hit his head on the way down?

"Don't stop?" he encouraged.

"You like it?" she sounded surprised.

"Very much." He paused. "Unless you don't." He hadn't considered _her_ feelings. Haley had never really liked that part of sex… _Damn it, Hotch!_ He cursed himself. _Don't bring your ex-wife into this fantasy!_

"Oh, I do," she replied. As an after thought, she stroked him gently, which emitted another groan. "Unless you would rather I stop…"

"Why would I want you to stop?" Hotch wondered. "You're good."

"Really?" JJ bit her lower lip.

Hotch ran his hand over JJ's hair, down the side of her face. "Have I ever lied to you?"

"No…" She hesitated.

"How about if I show you instead?" Before JJ could reply, Hotch grabbed her around the waist and flipped her underneath him. Careful not to crush her with his weight, he looked down at her surprised expression.

"What?!" she yelped.

"I just wanted to get us more comfortable." Hotch cupped JJ's firm, round breast and took pleasure from her breathy moan. He rolled the pink nipple between his finger and thumb. Her response was another moan. This time, louder.

"Hotch," she called out breathlessly. "This…oh! This is supposed to be about you."

His eyes darkened with desire and years of pent up lust. "This _is_ about me." He teased her perk nipple with his palm. He loved the way her breath caught and held. Without another word, he lowered his head and suckled her like a thirsty man at an oasis.

"Hotch…Hotch…" she chanted as a weird, tiny feeling curled in her stomach, then expanded throughout her body. Even her toes were tingling by the time he switched to the other breast.

She tasted delicious, and Hotch couldn't get enough. With one hand he kneaded her breast, while the other traveled down over her hip, over the flat plane of her stomach, down to the V between her thighs. His index finger sought out the pink nub and stroked it.

"Oh!" JJ sighed.

That was the only incentive Hotch needed. Trailing kisses down the same path his hand had taken, he felt himself grow hard with need. But it was too soon. Lord, he had waited too long for this moment; he wanted to make it last for an eternity if he could.

Brushing his cheek against her amber coloured curls, he breathed in her musk before spreading her legs and taking her in his mouth. Heaven!

JJ arched up, her fingernails dug into the plush carpet. This wasn't what she had had planned, but she wasn't going to complain. Still… It wasn't fair that he should be able to do what he was doing to her. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. And his tongue was making her…

"Oh God!"

Hotch could feel JJ's body tense as the coil wound down tight with each flick of his tongue and fingers. He could feel her fight the urge to give in. But her hips betrayed her by arching to draw him in deeper. She was almost there – if her rapid breathing and cries of pleasure were any indication. And by god, she was wet! Greedily he feasted on the sweet honey of her core.

"Oh. Don't. I…" JJ cried out. Blindly she reached out and weaved her fingers into his thick hair. She wanted him to stop. She wanted him to continue.

Hotch stopped to look up at her. "Tell me what you want, Jen."

"I don't know," she gasped. And honestly, she didn't know what she _wanted_. But she _needed _him. "Ahhh!" The first wave of an intense orgasm took control, holding tight as it pulled her in.

Hotch's fingers continued to stroke her until her body arched and tensed, then shuddered from release. Unashamed, JJ's cries of pleasure filled the empty apartment.

"That was…incredible," JJ sobbed. "And unfair."

"Oh?" Hotch hurried to remove his clothing. "I thought this is what you wanted." Slowly and deliberately, he moved his body over hers. He dragged the heavy weight of his desire over her skin, and heard her sigh.

"I wanted to seduce you," she corrected.

"You did." Settled between her legs, he positioned himself to hover over her so he could look into her eyes. "Now it's my turn."

"Hotch." JJ's cerulean blue eyes met Hotch's dark brown eyes. If he had been ignoring and avoiding her the past few weeks, there was no denying the burning fire of desire of the look he was giving her.

"You said that we should make love," he reminded her. He ducked his head down and kissed away the tear that escaped down her cheek. "Tell me that you want me to stop."

JJ shook her head. "No. I don't want you to stop."

Probing the soft folds of her womanhood, Hotch teased her, but he didn't rush the moment. He waited to hear her say the words.

"What do you want?" he encouraged.

"You."

That was all he needed. Covering her lips with his, he felt her arms go around his neck as he pushed forward to make them one. He took a moment to let adjust to his size before pulling out and setting the pace. As her hot velvet walls gripped, held, then released him, Hotch knew that he found paradise. And he was happy to stay right where he was.

But JJ had plans of her own. She had waited too long to make love to the man who had stolen her heart. And with the way he had been oblivious to her advances, she wasn't going to make it easy for him. Not this time.

Wrapping her legs around his waist, she controlled him.

"JJ," he panted, trying to catch his breath. Man he was out of shape! Or maybe it was that she was overwhelming him. Either way, she had his attention. "Are you still wearing your heels?" he wondered aloud.

In one swift move, she managed to flip him on his back. "Ah. Now that's better," she remarked with a smile.

"Sneaky." He reached up and cupped her breasts. "I could easily flip us back."

"You could, but…" She raised her hips, then slid down to bury him deep inside. Hotch emitted a groan somewhere between agony and ecstasy. "Then I couldn't do this." She repeated the action.

"Jayje…" His body screamed for release, but she was teasing and tormenting him. Long, slow, deep strokes that rocked his world. And she was taking pleasure. "Jen."

JJ entwined her fingers with his, then increased the tempo. She dared him to keep up as another orgasm filled her. Calling out his name, she tried to ride it out.

Hotch felt her grasp him. That's all it took. With a final thrust, he buried himself deep and poured his life into her.  
>*****<p>

"Are you alive?" Hotch whispered with what little energy he had left. He wasn't sure, but he could swear his bones were liquefied.

"Hmmm?" JJ mumbled. The floor was cold, and she should get a blanket, but she didn't care. She snuggled closer to Hotch.

"I guess that's an answer." He stroked her soft back and closed his eyes. "We should move," he suggested.

"Uh huh."

"So, was this your plan all along?" he wondered.

JJ lifted her head. "What?"

"Seducing me."

"Sort of…" she hedged. "I had almost given up trying to make you see me. After you ignored the lollipop…well, there is only so much rejection a girl can take."

"So you conspired with Dave to take me to bed?" he raised an eyebrow.

"No. Though he did give me a push in the right direction. I was going home when he gave me some words of wisdom that changed my mind."

"Words of wisdom from Dave Rossi. This I have to hear."

"A man needs to show up with flowers and chocolate; a woman just needs to show up naked with a six pack."

Hotch thought it over. "It worked."

"It took long enough," JJ groused. "Sure would have saved me a lot of embarrassing moment at the BAU had I known that a few months back."

"I was kind of getting a kick out of what you were doing."

JJ's mouth fell open. "Wait! You knew?!"

"I had an inkling," he confessed. "I noticed that Dave was still single after the halter top, and then I started to get clued in."

She swatted at him. "Why didn't you say something? I could have jumped your bones a long time ago and saved myself from getting carpal tunnel."

"Oh?" Hotch was intrigued by her secret. "Do you need some TLC?" He picked up her hand and kissed her wrist. JJ's heart picked up speed. "Maybe a little deep tissue massage?" He nuzzled her neck and kissed the pulsating point.

JJ swallowed hard. "Hotch…"

"How long will Garcia watch Henry?" he murmured in her ear before nipping it.

"As long as we need," she replied breathlessly. "What about Jack?"

"Weekend camping with the grandparents. So, we are free." At that moment, JJ's phone began ringing. Rolling over, JJ stood up and went to retrieve the device. A moment later, Hotch was standing beside her. Without a word, he glanced at the caller ID, then tossed the phone in the fish tank.

Before JJ could protest, he swung her up in his arms.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I thought you might like to see where I put the afghan you made me," he replied. JJ laughed. "What's so funny?"

"You. All this time I thought you were the stereo-typical male that I would never get through to."

Hotch hurried to the bedroom where he laid JJ on the full sized bed. He covered her body with his. "Does this feel 'typical' to you?" he inquired darkly, moving against her.

"Mmmm…" she mulled it over. "I might need to…uh, consider it."

"Are you saying that you are going to need a good argument?" His hands roamed the curves of JJ's body.

"It would have to be a good one. Or I'll have to do a rebuttal." She smiled.

"Unless I invoke your right to remain silent," he stated before kissing her and effectively cutting off all conversation for the rest of the night.  
>*****<p>

On the other side of town, Dave Rossi closed his phone. Leaning back against the couch cushions, he grabbed the remote and switched off the TV. He didn't have to watch the game to know the outcome:

This time, both teams won.

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><p>The End<p> 


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